Music: Devendra Banhart - Seahorse
Time: 11:54


I got into Kenyon at the beginning of February. I'm still freaking out about it. coldness. aloneness. foreignness. I leave the day after my birthday the 22nd. Its so strange...theres this....looming sense of finality over everything, this trepidation, knowing that this all going to end on August 22nd. like, knowing when the world will end, or something.

I just cant believe this is the end of senior year. getting older is so fucking weird. my life starts to have all this weird...depth to it.

kenyon kenyon kenyon. keeenyon.

Tomorrow I offically become a third tri senior. woop. I guess I could be excited about my half ass schedule (cinema of spain, meditation, painting, AP lit, ultimate frisbee) but it just feels like it will be boring. meh. hah, I don't think Kenyon knows that I dropped math...mmmblehhehg

Sadies was last night. It sucked because I looked really really really hot and amazing, got my hair did, and was running around tanning for a week prior...and we went in a group, with like, serena and hilary and jack's grace wielibinski...it was fine, whatever. we had drank all our beer and alcohol the night before playing kings cup at thomass. the dance was shitty, it was in the flight museam, basically the cold airport thing surrounded by planes. it was just shit. we got there late so it felt like all the seniors had already left. we never got any shit to drink. thomas got sleepy and a sore throat, we had to buy him throat lozanges, and then the two of us ended up going back to his house and sleeping until 3 am. jack had the same people back his house but I just didnt feel like it, I guess, but was disappointed all the same. Its one of those things...you wake up and want a do-over.


well I'm scared of ever being born again, if it's in this form again...I wanna see you be the bright night sky, I wanna see you come back as the light

Music: Regina Spektor - Samson
Time: 9:38 pm

Today he got us two fortune cookies from the lunch line. His said "lucky you made this choice. everything comes out for the best" and shows how to write "good friend" in chinese on the back. Mine said "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future" and shows you how to write "automobile."


You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us
not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

Music: The Beatles - Hide your love away
Time: 6:05 pm

my worst fear has yet to come true. this january has been good so far. I attribute this to the wishbone me and Sara pulled together on christmas eve. I wished that I could be happy again, and I got the bigger end.

they are over now (wow. such a long lasting, meaningful relationship.) but I don't fully attribute my happiness to their overness, because I felt better even at the beginning, when I still had to see them together. I think in part this was because my aquaintances had evolved into minor friendships, with Tlee, stickey, beags, dan, etc. and me and Miry are back on an okay status. we party sometimes, and it's fun sometimes.

but now they're over and we're close again. this partly angers me - wasn't it like, two months ago, I was swearing to myself never again? I could never be close to him, never know him, love him, care about him, because he's a shit person. yeah. a part of me is mad at myself for being weak and easy and naive and dumb. how could I ever, ever, ever put trust in a person who made me feel the way he did. how, when I never ever ever want to feel that way, ever ever again? but another part of my feels hopeful...there is still something in me that's not destroyed, despite my general bitchiness at the general public, despite my general disillusionment, despite the anger/sadness I suffered during those months. I am still somehow able to forgive, and love. something feels reborn in me. maybe I hate it because I am setting myself up for another fall, disapointment. wouldn't that be just like him - to wait until we're finally better, finally close again, finally okay, finally going forward - and he'd just decide to fuck it up again. it would be typical. it would be nice if my friend could have sentiment, and feeling, and life in his fucking heart. but no. we love who we love. I don't know if we have a choice in the matter. maybe one day I will go to college and he will be a distant memory that I look back on fondly - not someone that I have to be with every day, see every day, and care about every day. not someone who fucked me up. that's what it is - there is a constant threat looming above us now, a constant question...will it happen again? will I go down again, because of this dumbass little boy, my friend, first love, that I can't get rid of. probably. I know him so well - they just ended and he's already talking with Kbrueg, already looking for the next girl, because he's too scared shitless to spend five seconds alone. poor guy. I just feel sorry for him.


I got accepted to Redlands with a scholarship, yaaaay. I could go to california. last night I had a dream I got accepted to Kenyon and Oxy at the same time and I started crying because I had to go to Kenyon. I am still completely divided on the issue and Im supposed to get my letter tomorrow. if I get in how will I feel? scared shitless. but really proud, cause it's so ridiculously selective, and a good school. If i dont get in? relieved that I don't have to go to OHIO, where its COLD and FOREIGN and FRIGHTENING. relieved. but also scared, cause what if I don't get into Oxy? I don't know how I feel mannn but I need to figure it out.

I quit Ozona for now but my parents dont know yet. bahah. I just need to take time off because its the end of the trimester coming up and I have a shitload of shit to do. I will probably go back in the spring cause it will be third tri senior year and I'll be bored. bleehehblooblah.

Girl, you need to be patient, the day's gonna come
You'll leave your old bagage behind.
No more excuses, no more denial;
you're tired and you're drawing the line.
You're nobody's lapdog - you're closing that door.
You're not you, you're not you anymore.
You're not you, you're not you anymore.


-The Good life "You're not you"

The Good Life - Inmates



When you said you loved me, did you really love me?
Or did the words just spill out
like drool on my pillow.
‘Cause I was naked
when you said those words,
but I felt covered in your whispered worship.
And as you passed out fast on my shoulder,
I imagined a child
waiting so sad and still for his mom to arrive.
Did she leave you an orphan,
in that big, brown leather chair?
Said, “ Don’t you move a muscle, kid,
I’ll be back in twenty years,”
You were scared, you were lonely,
but you must’ve been aware;
life is a series of calluses,
this is just another layer.
So, build’em up, tough it out,
yeah, that’s your skin –
don’t let anyone under there.

When you said you needed me,
did you really need me?
Or was I just someone –
oh, you’d take anything.
Am I first on that list of yours,
or am I second, or third?
So, who’s that ahead of me,
some harlot from Pittsburgh?
Or Detroit, Santa Fe, or San Diego?
I know you’re so alone,
but how much affection does one guy really need?

Did you date a lot in high school?
Were you always chasing girls?
Couldn’t you find some young valentine
to steal your heart for good?
Were you content, or contemptible?
Are your memories pleasant,
or is it a string of endless flings of bitter resentment.
Seems that what you want and what you need
doesn’t mean a thing, we’re just here for the taking.

When you said you’d hurt me,
did you think you hurt me?
Are you really that cocky?
Oh, what a heartbreaker!
Well, I’ve got my armor –
yeah, I’ve been through some battles before.
And I met your old girlfriend,
she said, “Baby, don’t bother.”
She told me you told her you’d hurt her
Funny, how familiar.
So, how much of this relationship was rehearsed?

Did you act out as a child?
Were you always crying wolf?
Attention-starved, you tried too hard
to get someone to look.
Now you’re the wolf in second-hand clothing.
I’m the sheep in a pleated skirt.
It’s an awkward form of payback,
but if it works for you, it works.
It’s that I recognize your off-white lies,
still, I lie beside you –
and that’s what really hurts.

When you said you’d leave me…
well, why haven’t you left me?
What are we still doing here,
so desperate for company?
There’s a greyhound on Jackson Street,
there’s an airport in Council Bluffs.
Hell, there’s a car in the driveway.
Fifty ways to get lost.

But as I hold you and listen to you sleeping,
I’m starting to wonder if you really believe
that you’d ever really leave.
Would you leave me, and orphan,
in that big, brown leather chair?
The one you’ve lugged around from town to town for all these years.
It’s the trophy of your childhood,
like a shark’s tooth or gator skin boots –
but this one holds you prisoner –
it holds me prisoner too.
What we need to set us free
is to let go of each other – let go of everything.

When I said I loved you,
it was because I loved you.
When I said I needed you,
well, I really need you.
Yeah, I guess you hurt me,
for once you’re a man of your word.
Well, guess what –
I’m leaving.
I can’t be your prisoner.

I won’t.

Music: The National - Fake Empire
Time: 10:32 pm

today was actually FABULOUS. I went to work at like 10, and it was sunny and windy and warm and gorgeous and busy, so the time went by fast. and I worked with Zach and he is funny and likes good music and I like him and he is going to take me to see dewey cox at the studio movie grill. tehehe. and, there was a large waitlist, and I was running around looking for Will, party of 2, and this guy came up and was like "I could be Will..." with a wadded up bill. and I was like..OKAY! and I looked back later...that fucker paid me 20 dollars to seat him. ahah. how amazing is that? I hope they had a fabulous brunch.

this break is pretty much over...New Years Eve, we had a party at my house! that was lots of fun. The padres were in Jackson Hole for their anniversary and Sara was out and Lauren was in Austin with Malcolm. I met Malcolm finally! hes really really cool actually, with a hipster swoosh thing going on, and he and Lauren got me a globe, a...lightup, globe, lamp, of the world thing...ahaha...as a gift when he came in town. I liked him. Anyways so yeah the house was free! and bunches of people came over and there was dancing and champagne and love!

I'm so glad that I have refound Matt. he's so amazing. and he and Jack got along quite nicely ahah and apparently Marta fell in love with him on New Years. I'm scared he might be too cool for me. He sent me this amazing text message at 4 in the morning today...ahaha...

"I want you to know that i have this unexplainable love for you. Its not like i want you want you.. But i got this value on you thats intense. Love you! Ps: I smoke too much"

hehe. that shit is good to hear. that was the beginning of my fabulous day.

Anyway this break is almost over...which sucks....I think I have a lot of work coming up....eggg....and I still have two applications to complete. I saved the worst essays for last. sucks.

New favorite cd is The National - Boxer. shit is so good. some amazing lyrics.... ermmm.... "Mistaken for Strangers" is basically the song about thomas, hahaha. "you get mistaken for strangers by your own friends. when you pass them at night under the silvery silvery citibank lights, arm in arm in arm and eyes and eyes glazing under, well you wouldnt want an angel watching over, surpirse surprise they wouldnt wanna watch, another uninoccent elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults." seriously, it was creepy.

and "Start a War" would have been my song for him..back in October...but not any longer: "we expected something, something better than before, we expected something more, do you really think you can just put it in a safe behind a painting lock it up and leave...whatever went away, I'll get it over now, I'll get money I'll get funny again...we were always weird but I never had to hold you by the edges like I do now...walk away now and you're gonna start a war." yeah, it would have been helpful to have a few months ago. sigh! its rull good.

I am happy over this break and the only wish that I have is that it can somehow continue..... I mean, there were a couple of bumpy spots, but on the whole I've been alright. I dont wanna go back to school and have it be the same and awful...that would blow...

one day at a time, i guesssss.

Music: Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
Time: 10:57 pm


simplicities

I like to wake up in the morning
wearing the t-shirt that smells
like last nights dinner.

I like to smoke Camel lights, the cigarette
I smoked, still merely a child
in secret places stolen from
sisters purses.

I like to walk and hear the piano
notes from Untitled Track 3
rise up from every gorgeous footstep
till all the world lets go and cries
in the sweet sad sound that trails
behind me.

~

for a long time after we broke up, I used to say that I was in love with a person that did not exist anymore. I said it but I don't think I ever really believed it, or understood what it meant, and the implications behind it. and I don't know when, exactly, but over the past few days, weeks, or something...I've finally seen it for what it is, and understood it. the person that I loved is gone, dead. I hear him talking now and feel so annoyed, so underimpressed. he has no sentiment, no fucking...nostaliga for us. we are so different now, in this new afterlife. I leave flowers on our graves and you hardly remember our names. I realize he isn't the same person, and all this time I have been fighting so hard, trying so hard, to grasp something that had already slipped away. what a silly thing, to waste so much time, to beg someone that you dont even know to love you, to care about you. silly. and I don't think I am the same person, anymore, either. it is obvious now, and has been for a long long time, that we could never happen again, never work it out - not only because the person I loved/respected is gone, but because I know that in my deepest of hearts I will never be able to really forgive him, or myself. the conflict of late has been more about missing him...just plain missing...a person that is gone, and a time in my life that is over. His mere presence, the tiniest little things that we had between us, I realize how I took them all for granted. I miss having someone to call after work, someone to watch shitty movies with, get fast food with. now its a matter of loneliness, and whether or not I can deal with it. I've been lonely the whole time of course, but it was obstructed by all the other shit...anger, sadness, regret....now its just loneliness...all those other things are still there, but minimulized. I still cry but I cry for him like...like I would cry for a dead loved one. mmmm. cause thats what he really is, I guess.

"a long december, and theres reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last. i cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving, now the days go by so fast..."

christmas has come and gone. it was fine. I love my family. it wasn't like it has been in years past, when all I care about is the gifts. I guess its refreshing to know that, theres a small possibility I'm becoming less materialistic...

~

where the light is


lights hang from strings through the street and tumble in the wind
in the city that never changes
where they drove through the skyline
and still drive
years ago
I will never be as happy as I was in the skyline
I will never be as cold as I am now
as he scoops the dirt with his hands
I kneel to help him
now night comes much sooner than before
in the cold I know it must be night
when the lungs ache
last night when the cold came
we gave thanks for the bright gray sky
the dog whined
the world rolled over a full half turn
the trees sighed a sigh of relief
their leaves fell down on the floor
when the cold came
now we can finally die as nature intended
when the sun closes their eyes it gets gooseflesh in the dark
and does not come back
that is when I see him plainly
working in the dirt
the strands of lights tumble down into his eyes
melt him like candle wax
fill to the brim
reflect my starry face
he does not know my face reflects in the black water in his eyes
I do
I see it
I watch it overflow
the strings break and love runs
thick and red and green and gold
in all directions
the man whose eyes I loved slowly hollows himself out
I drip down into nothing
my collarbone breaks and lungs ache
and we are nothing now
the man who loved my collarbone has died
he does not know his eyes will never reflect the light again
I do
now I love the dark because I know that it is in there
somewhere
swallowed
and he scoops the dirt with his hands
so we are under the leaves on the floor
and under the whine
the sun closes their eyes and gets gooseflesh in the dark
where the lungs ache
where the cold came
where the light is
somewhere
swallowed